Losing One's Heart and Soul
by Firewolfe
Summary: Sarek on Amanda's death. A small thank you to Miss Wyatt for giving us Lady Amanda Grayson.


Disclaimer: I do not own Star trek or any of its many forms. TOS and it's characters belong to the creator of the series Gene Rodenberry. Corporations now control what is left.

Summary : I never liked the way the book Sarek ended Amanda's life. Sarek may have been Vulcan but somehow I do not see him allowing his wife to die without him. This is my version of it and it is dedicated to the Jane Wyatt who gave us the very human Amanda Grayson.

By :FireStar

2006.22.10

**Losing Ones Heart And Soul**

Sarek sat at her bedside. He did something he had rarely done in life. Amanda felt him take her hand in his. Not the simple but elegant two fingered touch of a bond-mate but a full I am holding on to you touch of a human. Somehow this action told her more then any other how close her end was.

She opened her blue eyes once more and looked into his striking green eyes. The eyes that had first drawn her to him. Eyes that were now as then so serious and so all encompassing. Her mind drifted back….

Flashback Earth 75 years Earlier…………….

Amanda -"I believe that the Vulcan people have much to teach us. While not every technique they propose will be beneficial to human learning many can and should be adapted. It is not wise to overlook their vast knowledge and experience out of foolish pride."

Sarek had looked at her intently that night. His gaze had never left her and she felt Proud and Pleased that he had found her arguments worthy and logical.

Sarek- "Miss. Grayson is correct. Sometimes wisdom can come from an unexpected source."

She looked at her beloved face and knew he was feeling emotions. She had never doubted he cared for her. Not in all their many years together had she doubted his commitment to her or to them. Somehow she had never expected this. The raw pain and fear he was trying to shield her from. Intellectually they had both always know it would come to this. That she as a mere human would precede him in death baring any unexpected accidents.

She closed her fingers around his fingers and held on. She flashed forward to a time that she had felt such anguish and fear.

Babel…..

Amanda- "Doctor you have to save him."

Doctor Mc Coy-"The Ambassador needs a delicate surgery Mrs. Sarek and Blood. Blood I do not have."

Amanda recalled the stark terror the fear she was about to lose half of her soul. She remembered the hope when Spock had found a way and the anger when he had insisted on taking command of the Enterprise at the Captain's injury.

She smiled briefly at the memory of the trick James Kirk and Leonard Mc Coy had played on her duty bound son. She had often wondered if on some level he had not known the truth?

She looked up at her mates impassive face. Anyone looking in would see only the stick ambassador from Vulcan. He showed no emotion at all. Amanda however could see he was forcing the tears away. That he was indeed suffering. Sarek had not left her side in more then 26 hours. She had no doubt that he would not leave. He was afraid she would cross over and he would not be there. That he would miss her death even as they had both missed Spock's.

Flash back -

"I regret to inform you that your son Captain Spock has been killed in the line of Duty" The two officers had said.

Amanda remembered that blow. She had almost collapsed in agony. Both she and Sarek had felt the Parental bond shred but until that moment she had hoped it was some awful mistake. They had shared their son's death and clung to each other. Once more Kirk and Mc Coy and the crew of the Enterprise had pulled off a miracle Spock's mind and body were restored. She looked at Sarek and knew he was wishing for one more reprieve.

She was so very tired now as she looked at her beloveds face. She did not wish to leave him but her time was ending. She was saddened only because of the grief he might suffer. Looking into his face she smiled.

"I love you Sarek. Every moment of our lives has been a blessing. I would not change a moment of the pain or the pleasure. I cherish our bond and if there is an afterlife I will be waiting for you there."

His compos sure failed him and he fell to his knees beside her. Sarek buried his face against his wife chest and held her. He shook with pain.

"So not leave me. "

"Sarek I wish I could remain. My time is over beloved but I will always be with you. I will be here." She said touching his head "I am in your mind and memories. All that we shared will be thee for you. I am also here." She said touching his heart and here." She touched his Katra "In time you will find an other but do not feel it is a betrayal. I would be sad to think of you alone."

"Never!" Sarek said almost shouting.

Amanda sighed "Promise me you will find a mate again. One day beloved we will find each other again. Until then you must go on and your work ,your life is to hard to be alone. Swear it to me. My last request of you my husband. Swear you will live on."

Sarek looked up and Amanda was shocked to see tears in his eyes. "How can you ask this…"Forgive me

She stroked the tears away The cause is sufficient my husband and honors me. "Because it would bring me peace."

Even now Sarek could not believe Amanda's selfless, giving nature. He knew she was asking this to guard his life. That she feared he would enter the Ponn Far unmated and let it take him. In truth he had planned to do just that. Somehow she had sensed his intent and was forcing him to live on. He held her and felt her stroke his hair. He touch was weak and light but he cherished the feeling know soon he would be alone never again to feel her touch on his body or in his mind.

Swear it she demanded her voice no longer as easy to use.

Sarek stiffened and said in a low voice." I swear Someday….Someday"

Amanda smiled and looked into her beloved eyes once more. She felt his lips upon hers and she sighed softly as she gave him her last breath.

I love you Sarek and I would not have changed a thing.

Sarek felt her slipping away and he said the one thing she longed to hear.I love you My wife now and always.

He held her as her last breath left her body and tears flowed without any control. His cry of anguish could be heard throughout the house. How was he to go on without his heart and soul.

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Three days latter the memorial service was held and T' Pau came to his side.

"I grieve with thee."

Sarek looked up and the tears were once more in his eyes and he did not even try to check them. "Thank you."

T'Pau nodded. "Your tears do her honor and my son the cause is more then sufficient. All of Vulcan grieves this day."

Sarek merely nodded and walked into the dessert for he had a deep need to grieve alone. Even as his grief tore at him he caught the smell of a rose and despite his grief he smiled. I will always be with you.

Amanda had promised and how he prayed it was true. She was his hear,soul and he was lost without her.

Fini

Jane-

May you rest in peace and thank you for your gift of Lady Amanda and so many other wonderful characters.

Lisa


End file.
